Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
