im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
