i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
