Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
