Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
