He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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