she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
