You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
