he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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