i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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