What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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