sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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