My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
