Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
