I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
