You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
