be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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