He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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