Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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