Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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