woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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