you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I fill condoms, not promises.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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