gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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