This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
