she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
