My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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