apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
