i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
