I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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