i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
