i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize