She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
