every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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