im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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