I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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