I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
