Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
