dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
