FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your cock deserves a montage
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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