How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize