My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
