I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
