the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
