I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
