a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
They should really pass out barf bags in church
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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