i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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