dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
