Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You made out with two different species that night
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
