My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
