You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
