you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
