So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
