I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
