Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
