The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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