so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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