Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
