2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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